To those of you who know me

or may not know me I am usually a pretty happy go lucky guy, I have a supportive family and a lot of supportive friends and I live a pretty awesome life, but over the past 4 or 5 years hell maybe even longer than that I have been super depressed about a lot of things in my life to the point where i have made and attempt at my life several times...feeling like i don't belong or that no one would ever care if i was here or not...as of recently the thoughts have gotten much more serious due to somethings i wont go into detail about.....i have had about 8 attempts in the past week or so since everything has taken place...and i am currently at the point where I don't eat much or sleep much because of everything on my mind...we will just say this is over something that has happened in the past that has creeped up on me and destroyed my happiness that i recently had...and now i am at my breaking point because I have been trying everything to get that happiness back but have zero progress to show and now all i am left with is tears and sorrow....I know a girl shouldn't mean the difference between life and death but this girl was my everything, my world the one person who i felt comfortable opening my heart up to again and letting my guard down and letting her know everything about me....its hard to tear down the walls and show people who i really am....i normally just put on a false persona of my self....such as a fake smile or laughing...but you can only smile and hide the pain for so long then it eats you up inside....and the worst part is you are the only one who knows whats really going on...i guess what i am trying to say is I just don't want to do this life anymore....i am fucking miserable....I opened up and trusted, gave it my all and did everything to fight for you but my jealousy had gotten the better of me and I had to try and be the bigger man and it blew up in my face and now I sit alone in the dead of night eyes full of tears...the thoughts of you running through my mind....and all the memories on replay...and the feelings you are making me feel such as you saying a small part loves me but the other part is just done with everything....you can't toy with my emotions like that i am not some toy that can be played with.....do you get off on the fact i am basically dying over here....trying to hold on to the last bit of sanity I have left....really ask yourself this am I worth you time or do you truly want me gone...I was hoping 2015 would end...and 2016 would be the start of one of the best years for us I had everything all planned out...new years day the day..I would ask you to walk this world with me together...forever.....but now it seems like i am destined to walk alone...or not at all.....hope things change for the better in both cases but i am not holding my head up...my tears back or my feelings in, I will be sharing whats going on...no secrets....just everything out in the open...I just hope...I can save myself or we can save each other before its really to late to turn back!!